Billy Shannon. I can still recall nearly every detail about him. He was the epitome of popularity in our grade school class, and it was no surprise why. Tall, handsome, athletic, and possessing undeniable charm, he effortlessly commanded attention. His presence was magnetic, particularly for a reserved, socially awkward pre-teen like myself.
From around sixth grade, when puberty hit, until we entered high school, I harbored a secret obsession with him. He rarely seemed to notice me, except when he needed help with homework. Billy existed in a realm beyond my reach, too cool for my former self—and likely still the same today.
I’m not certain if a grade school crush qualifies as unrequited love, but it certainly stirred up similar sensations: feelings of sadness, longing, and disappointment. Deep down, I understood that we would never become a couple, yet I couldn’t help but daydream about the possibility.
I never told him how I felt, knowing that revealing my feelings would only lead to embarrassment and potential ridicule if anyone had found out. I got over him as most people do with childhood crushes, but for others, unrequited love can lead to lost years that would be better spent with someone who reciprocates those feelings.
The Dilemma of Disclosure
According to an article in Psychology Today1, there are five distinct forms of unrequited love:
Interest in someone unavailable, such as a movie star, athlete, etc.
Persistent pursuit of someone who previously rejected you.
Lingering feelings for a past lover.
A relationship where one partner is more emotionally invested than the other.
And finally, a crush on someone close to you whom you haven’t confessed your feelings to.
Romantic feelings for a friend or acquaintance can present many challenges. While there are more opportunities to spend time with them, there’s also a greater chance for disappointment. These moments often evoke a blend of emotions, combining happiness with underlying sadness. However, summoning the courage to express these feelings can introduce discomfort and the risk of altering the dynamics of the friendship.
In Episode 8 of Her Private Life, Sung Duk-mi articulates this fear, stating, “I guess Ms. Choi hasn’t told him [Ryan Gold] how she feels, either. If she does and he refuses, she might even lose him as a friend.”
Choi Da-in isn’t the only person experiencing unrequited love in Her Private Life. To Duk-mi’s dismay, her childhood friend Nam Eun-gi has developed romantic feelings for her.
After Eun-gi awkwardly expresses his affection for Duk-mi, causing her obvious discomfort, he seeks solace from his mother in Episode 12. He questions, “Why is it so hard to like someone? I can’t help the way I feel. I’ve competed in countless [judo] competitions before, but none have been this painful.”
In the same episode, Da-in, recognizing the depth of Ryan’s feelings for Duk-mi, opts for a different approach, confessing, “I feel like there’s only one thing I can do at this point. It’s to move on. I want Ryan to at least remain as a friend in my life.”
Castaway Diva adds another layer of complexity to the unrequited love dilemma with two brothers, Kang Bo-geol and Kang Woo-hak, vying for the affections of the titular diva, Seo Mok-ha.
In Episode 10, Woo-hak, now aware of his brother’s close relationship with Mok-ha, confides in his father, saying, “I tried to stop liking her once I learned the truth. But it didn’t work. I tried all I could, but I couldn’t stop my feelings.”
Woo-hak’s love for his brother runs deep, leading him to prioritize his brother’s happiness above his own. Rather than confessing his own feelings to Mok-ha, in Episode 12, he encourages Bo-geol to be honest with her, advising, “Tell her. Not expressing your feelings can be the biggest regret in life.”
Finding Freedom
Admitting our feelings can be daunting, but sharing them can bring closure and free us to embrace new possibilities. Conversely, choosing to remain silent can also be comforting, provided there is some resolution that enables us to move forward.
In situations where awkwardness has arisen, there are opportunities to mend the relationship. Upon accepting that Duk-mi wasn’t able to reciprocate his feelings, Eun-gi acknowledges his wish to maintain their connection. He humbly apologizes for any discomfort he may have caused, expressing sincere regret, “I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable all this time. I’m really sorry. Will you accept me as your friend now?”
To which she promptly replies, “Eun-gi. Thank you for saying that. And thank you for coming back.”
Life may not always unfold as neatly as in K-dramas, but with courage, perseverance, and determination, we can all move beyond unfulfilling relationships. As Eun-gi's mother, Nam Se-yeon, advises him in Episode 12, “Son, meet someone you love that loves you back. That’s all I want for you.” It’s also what we should want for ourselves.
Happy watching!
Paola
Dianne Grande Ph.D., “Unrequited Love,” Psychology Today, March 13, 2020, reviewed by Gary Drevitch, https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/in-it-together/202003/unrequited-love.